I was first diagnosed with clinical depression when I was just fourteen. I am now twenty seven......that’s quite a few years to get used to the way in which depression takes over and completely destroys my life and mind. Yet no matter what therapist, what new diagnosis, new medication and changes in friends/home/partners, the black hole seems intent on swallowing me up for good. Its suffocating presence is there every minute of the day, taunting me with reminders of how useless I am, how little I have or will accomplish and how no matter what, my shadowy companion will never ever leave me alone.
In attempts to deal with this recent snowball into desperate unhappiness, I have taken to sleeping practically all day. I figure if I am asleep, then I will not have to think about how deeply miserable I am and what a failure I must be to all who have known me. But, it is in those few waking hours that the intense pain of this unhappiness seeps out and envelops me, caressing me with words of guilt and despair. I am worth nothing, I am useless and I am failing again at any attempts of a life.
The cannabis smoking has started again. Its funny how bad habits just creep back in and nestle as if they have never left. I am smoking it in the evenings, a way to get through the long waking night hours caused by my sleeping all day. I feel safer in the night though, like evil is more at home in the darkness and therefore so am I. I reflect back its dark attributes: selfishness, binge eating, excessive TV watching and computer game playing. I turn my mind away from all things of the Lord and just do my best at focusing on getting through the night alive. Though I will admit, it often saddens me that I succeed.
I can feel that I am spinning completely out of control and as the world passes on by without my input, I bury my head further trying to ignore the once anticipated new dreams I would conjure up for the exciting new life I was sure I was once destined to live. I am like a lonely wanderer along the graveyard of my fallen dreams, goals and ambitions. I am now a hanger on. I hang onto my family, causing them worry and frustration. I hang onto mental health services, finally admitting I have a mental illness and attempting, albeit poorly, to listen to their advice on managing it. I hang onto my addiction, still running away from the harsh reality that life seems to serve me and I hang onto a man I love but who I know may also be the wrong choice for me.
My family still believe in me though and this amazes and humbles me. No matter how many times I may fail, they are there to offer me a branch in which to climb out of the new pool of pain I have landed in. My mum and dad phone daily, offering advice and words to attempt to lift me out of this darkness. I worry constantly that I have ruined their lives, but if they think it too, it never shows. My sister too, an amazing mother, sister and friend also offers her support wherever she can and I continue to wish I could take their good words on board. I am so fortunate to be blessed with my family and so desperate to get well so they no longer have to worry about me all the time. I am thinking of moving back to staying with my mum in the evenings so I am able to attempt to forge some sort of a routine again. Left to my own devices I have begun to rot away again, distancing myself further and further from friends and life outside my four walls.
Oh how I wish this depression would speak to me in words I could understand. Instead it seems to utter scary taunts as if heard from a passing ship of death upon a stormy sea. I am swept up within the bitter walls of its hate and fear, suffocation and pain. Freedom seems to cost my soul and my soul doesn’t seem to be the one worth selling. I am in a hole, I am lost, I am truly in desperation. Lord please hear my call.
Love Always.x
No comments:
Post a Comment