Desperation

“Depression is the flaw in love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and depression is the mechanism of that despair.” - Andrew Soloman

I was first diagnosed with clinical depression when I was just fourteen. I am now twenty seven......that’s quite a few years to get used to the way in which depression takes over and completely destroys my life and mind. Yet no matter what therapist, what new diagnosis, new medication and changes in friends/home/partners, the black hole seems intent on swallowing me up for good. Its suffocating presence is there every minute of the day, taunting me with reminders of how useless I am, how little I have or will accomplish and how no matter what, my shadowy companion will never ever leave me alone.

In attempts to deal with this recent snowball into desperate unhappiness, I have taken to sleeping practically all day. I figure if I am asleep, then I will not have to think about how deeply miserable I am and what a failure I must be to all who have known me. But, it is in those few waking hours that the intense pain of this unhappiness seeps out and envelops me, caressing me with words of guilt and despair. I am worth nothing, I am useless and I am failing again at any attempts of a life.

The cannabis smoking has started again. Its funny how bad habits just creep back in and nestle as if they have never left. I am smoking it in the evenings, a way to get through the long waking night hours caused by my sleeping all day. I feel safer in the night though, like evil is more at home in the darkness and therefore so am I. I reflect back its dark attributes: selfishness, binge eating, excessive TV watching and computer game playing. I turn my mind away from all things of the Lord and just do my best at focusing on getting through the night alive. Though I will admit, it often saddens me that I succeed.

I can feel that I am spinning completely out of control and as the world passes on by without my input, I bury my head further trying to ignore the once anticipated new dreams I would conjure up for the exciting new life I was sure I was once destined to live. I am like a lonely wanderer along the graveyard of my fallen dreams, goals and ambitions. I am now a hanger on. I hang onto my family, causing them worry and frustration. I hang onto mental health services, finally admitting I have a mental illness and attempting, albeit poorly, to listen to their advice on managing it. I hang onto my addiction, still running away from the harsh reality that life seems to serve me and I hang onto a man I  love but who I know may also be the wrong choice for me.

My family still believe in me though and this amazes and humbles me. No matter how many times I may fail, they are there to offer me a branch in which to climb out of the new pool of pain I have landed in. My mum and dad phone daily, offering advice and words to attempt to lift me out of this darkness. I worry constantly that I have ruined their lives, but if they think it too, it never shows. My sister too, an amazing mother, sister and friend also offers her support wherever she can and I continue to wish I could take their good words on board. I am so fortunate to be blessed with my family and so desperate to get well so they no longer have to worry about me all the time. I am thinking of moving back to staying with my mum in the evenings so I am able to attempt to forge some sort of a routine again. Left to my own devices I have begun to rot away again, distancing myself further and further from friends and life outside my four walls.

Oh how I wish this depression would speak to me in words I could understand. Instead it seems to utter scary taunts as if heard from a passing ship of death upon a stormy sea. I am swept up within the bitter walls of its hate and fear, suffocation and pain. Freedom seems to cost my soul and my soul doesn’t seem to be the one worth selling. I am in a hole, I am lost, I am truly in desperation. Lord please hear my call.

Love Always.x

Confusion

"In spite of everything, I still believe people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death." - Anne Frank

I sit here again, annoyed and confused. Last night I fought with all my might to win the battle against my addiction. I had the money available, but decided not to use. However today is different as I plan to go with my boyfriend to a party where drugs and drink will be rife. The strange thing is, I used to love parties but now I just have a deep feeling of unease and fear. I am no longer the carefree girl I once was, I know what this party will mean, I know it will set me back. I know I am now in serious debt again and will have to rely on my boyfriend paying back debts he has owed me for two years.....an unreliable source of income to say the least.

I feel the changes being made within me, the desire to stop this careless way of living. There is a voice inside that reminds me I am not choice less, no matter how obvious that may seem. Its been an unusual week for me, dealing with grief, with depression and with the worries that come at me from every corner of my life. Everywhere I look, darkness seems to be permeating everything. I have hope for change but it is being strongly opposed by the forces around and within me. I can no longer trust myself to make the right choices, I no longer believe I know what is best. Worst of all, I know what is not good and still seem intent on following that path. Its frustrating and exhausting.

My relationship too is being tested on a daily basis. I am not an easy person to be with, my mental illness and my addiction make for a vicious and often confusing time. The problem is, with the addiction so prominent in both of our lives, I am no longer able to focus on the good parts. Instead all I see is the pull of two addicts living out their darkness together and the force of love for each other preventing any real change from happening. I'm scared we are going to end up losing each other but I am also aware that this choice may even be the right one, the one that saves us. My heart is pulled in so many directions, it’s so difficult to figure out which choice will be the one that leads to happiness. I am unhappy both alone and together so how do I choose what to do?

I will try my hardest tonight to be the happy girl in the room with no cares and no life crumbling around me as I walk. I will smile through the horror of the addiction and will prepare myself for a day tomorrow which I know will be full of questions that can't be answered by my broken mind. Just another day to add to the ones before. I continue to pray for change.

Love Always.x



To My Lord

"Find a place inside where there's joy and the joy will burn out the pain." - Joseph Campbell

The pains not going, its here inside
The pain won't leave me, there's nowhere to hide
The solution of addiction provides no relief for me
What used to make me happy, no longer sets me free

I believed in the escapism that drugs promised my fear
But now all I wish for is the ability to be sober and here
I'm scared to leave the comfort that this path has provided for me
But in the depths of darkness, my souls light has made me see

You will never stop running if you keep blocking it out
Better for your spirit to let the screaming out
Better for your life to deal with the truth and reality
Better for my future to find the real me

I used to believe I could numb my thoughts and mind
Shut out the evil voices, the cruel and unkind
But now the solution offers no solace, no place to run
Its time for me to embrace the promise of Gods chosen Son

Can I let him in, can I call him near
Can I trust in my heart that he'll always be here
Can I run to him instead of substance abuse
Can I get high on him instead of my drug use

I no longer know the answers, I no longer trust my self
In most of the moments, I wish to be somebody else
I ask for help in these desperate times
In the pain that I feel, see the truth in the rhymes

See the desperation burning deep inside of me
See the prison in my head and the cries to be free
Help the heart that I broke, be put back together
Promise me life my Lord, beside you forever

I know I fail, I know I break your heart
But the spirit in me, wants to never be apart
To look upon your face each and every day
To live my life with your love, your lessons, your way

I can't promise you perfection or never losing hope
But I guarantee my faith in my ability to cope
If you hear my voice then help me please
Its only you my Lord, who can provide the keys

Love Always.x

Hope And Tragedy

"For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity" - William Penn

Today has been one of those days where darkness and light have appeared in both their brilliance and destruction. I am both mournful and hopeful and this state is hard to adjust to, difficult to know which thoughts to think, which emotions to focus on.

My day started with a taster morning at Brynhawel Rehab, a place I am hoping to go into when they have available spaces. I was able to attend a group session, talk with the other clients and have lunch. I loved the atmosphere and it was clear to me that the place does not only focus on getting people off drugs, but also how to re-engage in normal activities to fill the void that drugs leave. The management team were friendly and welcoming and advised me that their next space would be available in January and they would book me in for an assessment as soon as possible. This feels right, I could sense myself being at home there, getting better, being healed. The work now needs to take place with my social worker in regards to funding, housing my cats and working on my addictive relationship I have with my partner. But, for the first time in many days I feel hopeful for my future and excited about the prospect of change. I am so desperate for it and to find somewhere as beautiful and rewarding as Brynhawel has worked wonderfully on my happiness levels.

I arrived home feeling positive and my mum immediately came over with my therapist who I had just left after receiving a lift home from her. The news she broke to me came with an unbelievable thud against the chest of my heart. My beautiful cat Fluff, the one whom I had nursed since she was a kitten and who was closest to me of all three of my cats, had died. She had had a fit earlier in the day and now lay in a box in the garage where my boyfriend had placed her after failed attempts to save her life. This is beyond devastating for me, I can not comprehend the fact that she is no longer here to cuddle me and play our little games. I ache for her as I would any life that had been taken from me and I have been in a state of grief and immense pain. Death comes and acts as a reminder that life is in fact a gift, so often shorter than we could ever imagine and one that I at least, have failed to embrace in a long time. I hope the beauty of her existence and the tragedy of her departure will serve as a tool for me to look with a little more care and wonder at the great miracle that is life on this earth.

Unable now as the evening has gone on and I am no longer able to sleep, I have turned to the only solution I know in which to deal with my pain. My dealer has just left and a can of cider waits to be opened. My strength to deal with the pain I am feeling is unable it seems, to come from within me so I do as usual and seek it outside. Its not the right choice, its the easy way out and it only adds further to the misery and debt I am already entrenched in, but I see no other option as the deep cries of grief grip every inch of my being. This is the circle of life I lead, unaffected by positive events such as viewing rehab, I still remain the addict who can not face the reality of actual life. I am still her and she is still me.

I believe my beautiful cat now plays with my Lord in heaven and know she will be happy and cared for there till I can see her face again. I pray now to the Lord that He showers her with the love he has so graciously shown to me and lets that power seep into the pain of my heart to heal the hole that her absence has left. I pray too that the cycle that I am in, the grip of this addiction will begin to ease as I learn the delicate fragility of life and its unknown time to cease existing. To my beautiful cat, I will love and remember you forever and know that heaven is a playground where you truly can continue to be happy. You will always remain in my thoughts and my heart.

Love Always.x

Unbearable Guilt

"I get up and pace the room, as if I can leave my guilt behind me. But it tracks me as I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself." - Rosamund Lupton, Sister

I hate myself. I hate that this addiction is refusing to let me go, ignoring my desperate cries for freedom from its self sabotaging chains. I am back in the hole that I had with the loving help and patience of my family, started to climb out of. Back here in the darkness of my actions, I fight what feels like a world of guilt upon my heart. This time the pain I feel is at the lie I am choosing to live to the people who love me most. How could I do this to them? No matter how much I try to convince myself that I am being kinder to them by protecting them from this truth, I know deep down in my core that I am being a fraud, a fake, a horrible daughter and sister. My heart is breaking with the horror of my choice, I can no longer look at myself in the mirror as the image staring back is that of a dishonest and selfish woman. An image I have grown into, that is now as much a part of me as the very addiction that rules my current reality. I am devastated by my own self protection, my feeble character and my ability to lie to people who deserve nothing but my truth and commitment.

The guilt of this burden is now pressing ever heavier on my heart and I can no longer fool myself with the justifications I once believed were the right and kindest ones to make. My family deserve better than me, they deserve the love that they so freely give to not be marred by my disgusting and evil deceitfulness. This is the hardest burden I have had to experience in many years and yet I listen as my boyfriend reminds me of the reasons that he still believes this is the right choice to make. Its not his fault, I can no more blame someone else for my lies than I can for my choices. But I have been made very aware of his belief that my family will tear us apart if this truth comes out and this threat hangs heavily over my willingness to stand by my morals of always being true no matter what.

This is not me. I am many things but I am not a liar, not a grand deceiver, a con artist. Addiction brings with it many character attributes that are non-desirable. At first they gently sweep over you; the small white lie about how much you used, the belief in your convictions that this time will be the last time. Eventually, after long enough these character flaws take on a life of their own and take seat as part of who you are. A manipulator, a selfish, self-absorbed liar whose only concern is her next fix and her ability to keep up an image of respectability for both myself and my relation to others. I can no longer preach my once passionate message of always being true, of never lying to anyone and of thinking more of others before oneself. I am now none of these things, they are no longer a part of who I am. No, they have been replaced with addictions image quicker than I was willing to admit to or see, they have now dominated my entire existence.

I do not deserve the love and generosity of the amazing family I have. I have continued to let them down time after time, watching as my actions have not just destroyed my life but theirs as well. I can hardly stand to be present in the same space of atmosphere I inhabit. It feels wrong. I am convinced I poison all I touch and this toxic outpouring leaves no person unaffected. I am the creator of pain and worry in my precious family’s life and no matter how hard I pray and how guilty I feel, I find myself unable to break out of this evil world I have been granted access to. How can I do this, how can I be so selfish and cruel? I have much to pray for help from and this is one I truly need to cry out for every day.

The addict and the child of God inhabit this body of mine. Whilst my faith reminds me my spirit is no longer sinful, I am not able to trust so confidently that my soul is not attached with an unbreakable clasp to the darkness of the world I have come to inhabit. I am wandering lost in a sea of broken dreams and promises, no longer sure God would want a creature such as me to be a representative of his kingdom. I have failed Him also and this guilt too is ever present as I assess my current situation. This life is being taken over and I feel powerless to stop its demise. I can barely recognise the voices I hear within me as mine anymore and I fear that even the Lord is struggling to be heard amongst the many twisted cries of sorrow that fill my mind each day. I can only hope with all that I have in me, that God still sees me and still believes in me. I want to make him proud, I want to be the daughter of Him and my family whose life is a joy to watch not a tragedy. So as I write I pray with all the goodness I have left inside of me: “Lord guide me towards your love, let me hear your voice above all others and please forgive me for the pain I continue to cause you and those who love me. I have not given up my belief in you, though I know I have chosen the path of destruction and not of divinity. This guilt I carry Lord, I believed I was doing out of love, a love that is confused between my family and my partner and myself. I do not deserve your help, I know how often I have let you down, but know that I am still here Lord, deep inside desperate to be free. Please shine your wisdom upon my broken mind and strengthen me with your righteousness to make the choices that will lessen the burden of those I love from carrying. I continue to wish for my heart to grow in adoration with you and your ways and understand that discipline will not be easy but is a necessary part of my freedom. I plead for forgiveness of my sins Lord and pledge once again to make more time for the life you intended me to live. In Jesus Name. Amen.”

Love Always.x

I'm Still Here

"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape."- William S. Burroughs

 

For someone who talks so much and has so much crammed inside, it’s strange that I have been unable to come and pour my soul out on here. It’s like I wanted to stop being aware of my existence, like recording it would make its sadness and hurt more real. Just existing has been confusing and tortuous enough, to actually express the thoughts that have come as part of my journey has been an impossible task. There’s so much to say, so much has happened but it doesn’t really seem to matter as the girl who sits here typing is still the girl with the addiction, still the girl who needs help. I was offered a way out via the Christian rehab but due to its strict guidelines and removal of my medication as part of the requirements of entry, I was too scared and too lacking in faith to let this be a part of my destiny. I tried removing the medication at first, a week before going in and the result was a strange and painful week both mentally and physically. Twelve years of medications abandoned for a week did not provide the desired result I had so passionately imagined. I had to admit defeat. I also, which was more difficult, had to admit that I was walking away from the miracle I believe God had granted me. The help I prayed for, I could not accept and the guilt was unbearable. I have spent many nights crying to God that my faith was not as strong as I had assured Him it was. Hope House, the miracle rehab I prayed for followed a strict daily schedule of intense focus on God and a complete removal from all outside influences such as TV, non Christian music or books. It required of me an 11 month commitment to believing in their programme and following their specific rules. In the end, the once desperate pleas I had made for recovery became quietened by the worry that I would never be able to do it, that I was too weak, that I wasn’t ready for that kind of change. Fear took over and I bowed down to its powers over the belief in Gods saving grace for me. It still haunts me now, has that choice meant my destiny will now be harder for me to attain? Will I be trusted with Gods generosity again? Questions I now refuse to ponder, instead choosing to absorb my mind in computer games and drugs. The reality of my existence terrifies me.

My family who are beyond any normal understanding of devoted and loving, have jumped to the rescue to try and save their lost daughter. I stayed with both my mum and then my dad, experiencing proper meal times, a regular wake and sleep time and a body that did not rattle with the illegal poisons I had always depended on. It was the hardest 22 days I have experienced in years. Being on drugs gives you an almost cushion like protection from the harshness of real life of being actively engaged in living. Colours seemed brighter, people seemed more intense and I seemed more, well, free. I learnt the beauty of simple pleasures like walking amongst trees, running till I was exhausted, being able to feel emotions as they were intended to be felt. It was a struggle but it gave me confidence in my ability to live as I see so many other humans living. Maybe I could be one of them, could be a normal adult. Maybe I could find the strength to fight this crippling addiction and focus on stabilising my mental health……

Sadly 22 days was my best effort. The novelty of clean living, even with its surprising pleasures, was no contest for my desperation to return to numbing myself from the world around and within me. I ordered the cannabis even after listening to crying begs from my parents not to give up now. They believed that if I started on that then the next step would be the drinking and cocaine. I convinced them otherwise and I am ashamed to realise I manipulated the situation to get me my own way. I had to get stoned, I deserved it I reminded them. I had earned the escapism I told myself. It wouldn’t be a relapse, it was just a small break and then I could return to staying with my family every evening and maintain a sober real life. Do you believe that could be possible? Did I?

I sit here now on my sofa, experiencing my fifth session on cocaine and alcohol in the last week and a half. I still have debts I can’t afford to pay, I hate the feeling it gives me and I am being forced by my boyfriend to keep this from my parents in case it means they break us up. I wouldn’t want to crush them anyway, it would break them and just for once I don’t want to be the person doing that. This is my burden, I choose to carry it, I choose to live the lie. I choose to carry on with the two separate women inside of me. The girl who cries to be freed and the girl who begs for escapism. I have no idea which one is the real me.

I have now been given a social worker from the drugs team who has arranged for an interview in a fairly local rehab which deals with dual diagnosis clients. This means I could stay on my medication and in touch with my mental health team. I am allowed access to my phone and the programme is four months long with no focus on God, just focus on group and individual therapy. It would mean that I would choose to continue to journey with the Lord on my own at the pace that I deemed possible. I know I would be risking my ability to choose to focus on him over watching TV with the others or only working on the programme that they set me, but I truly have faith that I would still be taking this walk hand in hand with Him no matter where I go. I really believe He is giving me a second chance with this new rehab, adjusting the miracle out of love for me and recognition of my crippling fears. For that gift, I am unable to truly express the intensity of my thanks. He isn’t mad with me He reminds me, together we will find a new way.

The empty void I tried to fill when choosing to turn back to drugs has surprised me in its complete failure at bringing no good emotions or experiences at all. The time taking them is no longer enjoyable, I’m no longer able to distance myself from the real me, she came out in those clean days and now refuses to let me leave her completely. I am acutely aware that she is pleading with me to tell my family I am back in trouble again, to turn to God not escapism and to trust that I can learn to live a life free from the pain that always shadows my waking hours. I am still so lost, so scared and terrified of what either choice of life that I follow will be the one that makes me happy. Maybe I’m forever meant to be thrown between hope and hell…..maybe that’s where the answers will truly be found. All I know is, until I am ready to stare my life in the face, to let go of the terrors of the past and to stop being doubtful of my chance to live a happy future, I will never get out of this vicious circle.

Its good to bleed my emotions here, to let out some of the voices that crowd my head. I will try to be back again soon and I will pray that I can find the faith and strength to go for the path of light rather than the familiar streets of darkness. In God I trust.

Love Always.x