Help!

 ”It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.” - Vince Lombardi

Its 1:30am and its my third night of cocaine binging. The hate and anger I feel for the life I am living has now become all-consuming and each thought I have is poisoned with the brutal desperateness of my own reality. I hate my life. I hate this addiction, I hate that it refuses to even compromise with me. No, its like a petulant child storming in and controlling everything. Rock bottom is much more expansive than I ever thought possible. A dark sea of pain and disgust that I flail about in endlessly looking for the bright light of a boat that can save me from the crushing devastation of my current existence. Actually, there is a positive! I have an interview with a highly recommended Christian Rehab called Hope House. I am literally putting all of my own hope into the belief that this is the place to save me. I believe God guided me to them and I genuinely believe they heard my call. This at the moment is my only hope of getting out of this life consuming addiction.

There are no words I can find that can truly express my misery. Its so low that I’m genuinely surprised life can exist within me under the current conditions of my lost mind. I am also now no longer taking antipsychotics as the rehab want me off all medication. I am taking a huge risk with this and going against the advice of my psychiatrist and my doctor, but I have much more faith than they could imagine. I have been on illegal and legal drugs since 14 and I want to give the real me the chance to come out. Yes it will be and already is difficult, but if anyone can help me, God will be the risk worth taking. I trust in Him completely, I just have to find a way to control the thoughts that are attacking me every minute of the day. Without the medication my thoughts are able to come at me with a relentless pace that never slows down. I find myself disappearing further and further into the deeper caverns of my mind and I’m scared of what I find there. Its like the floodgates of hate and confusion have opened and now refuse to close. Help.

I feel like a puppet with a master that never lets the strings rest. Constantly pulling me into the darkness I have come to recognise as my daily life. I cant communicate with him, he just drags me through the battlefield, holding me down, suffocating me as my body lies restless on the floor. I see no joy anywhere, all I see and feel is hate and anger and slowly but surely its taking over every aspect of my confusing existence. My body aches, its like the thoughts from my head have now found parts of me to attach to and like a withering flower, they feast on any health and vitality that ever existed. Help.

When will my time come? When will I walk in the destiny my Lord has promised me? I will wait at his feet till He is ready but with all I have in me, I pray He rescues me soon. I’m scared of my own life and desperately I cry out to him. Please help me Lord, please. Your child is terrified and the strength she once had is on its last few drops. Hear my call my Father, I am ready for change, whatever that may be, I come to you ready to fight for my life.

Love Always.x

All-Nighter

"The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself."Thales

When does this end? How long do I have to wait till I'm freed from this torture? As you probably guessed, the cocaine I bought with the intention of lasting me a week lasted me the night and the next day, yes I did another all-nighter. The depressing walls of the life I am living are pressing in even harder and that glimmer of hope and light dimly flickers too far away for me to touch. I am in pain, feeling the acute misery of doing this to my self and to my family over and over again. It’s the game that you can never stop playing, the anchor that ties you to the life you no longer wish to live.

Whilst in a daze last night, after no sleep and the pain of my cocaine and cannabis addiction ever present in my system, I decided instead of driving myself crazy with the thoughts that trap me into my own mind, I would write. I would write from my heart in the loneliest, darkest most messed up moment and see what my soul was thinking, feeling, spilling out into the atmosphere. I just kept writing, trying to keep up with the speed of my thoughts, an almost impossible task but I tried it. I have not yet read it, but I am going to copy it on to here, to share a piece of my most innermost moment with you and see if even in the darkness, my soul can find somewhere to find its hope. It may not make much sense as I hadn’t slept and was in a real state but it is the real raw me. I let my focus turn towards the Lord and then spilled out the emotions that raptured me. So here goes, straight from the writers pad:

God has been tying up the loose ends so I can start anew, afresh. No more pain that’s hidden, its all been brought out into his light. He did find me, He did hear me, He is helping me. He gives me a long life though it is marred by challenges. He has given me insight and an ability to help people. I have needed to learn from this challenge and He has used this waste ground to plant the seeds of my soul. He has moulded me, slowly taking out the imperfections, the fears, the doubts, pain and confusion. In my darkness He shone his bright light and only ever asked for my faith. With this I gave my whole heart.

I am free but it has come at a cost. He needed to be sure I was ready to pass the next stages of my journey. Your so beautiful Lord. Your love never ceases to amaze and entice me. How did you find me in all that pain, in that battleground? You saw me and you gave me wings only I had to learn how to fly! This addiction has been the complete breaking of me, though it has torn down walls I didn’t even know existed. It has never really had the control. He has been there always, listening, guiding, supporting. He has been there in the roughest, toughest moments and he has turned them into flowers within the core of my spirit and soul. He has freed me.

I had to learn to truly trust Him, to lean on Him. He wanted me to know the power of his love but also to prepare me for the next stage of my destiny. It's been a learning curve, a joyous move into deeper realms but the road has been tough. I stand and be ready for the next phase Lord. With each fear I have you reach in and replace it with your love and nurse me back within your heart. When I can't go on Lord, you are there, you are with me. I am ready. The next stage will too carry its blessings but these too come at a cost. With greater anointing your journey will become harder, the enemy will attempt to dig deeper. I just focus on Him that loves me.

It’s nothing to do with the drugs, it’s just Him reaching out and loving me. That is the power of his unending love. It transforms, it changes, it heals, it breaks down and it rebuilds but the intensity can always be felt. Its true love in the most unimaginable way, beyond our human capacity to understand love. It is pure at its soul, its radiance is felt within the heart. As I feel pain, He rubs freedom, health, hope, happiness. He continues to weave the tapestry of my life, stitch by stitch until I am put back together again. Its the fight of my life but he teaches perspective. Change it and learn to absorb and challenge his love. He is ready, He is open, He is our God, our Father. He is love.

My recovery process is imminent. Its the next stage of the journey for me. I know it will contain immense joy but only at the capacity in which I can absorb it. That’s where his free will has found its real meaning. It is our free will to choose to love Him and to choose how much. He always lets us control it. When we are ready, He is there waiting but like the most splendid treasure hidden within the wilderness of life, He lets us do the discovering. Find Him we can and we will, but at a pace in which we can handle. Come and drink at His well, He knows we are thirsty. Run into and believe, just believe you are loved. When you begin to get a glimpse of what this means, it will break every fear, every pain and welcome you home again. I am here Lord, I love you and am willing to accept your love.

Twelve months in which the true love and grace He has saved, will be showered upon me. Lord you give me hope, I never lost faith and you saw me, you saw my heart and you saw it was good. Oh how did your child get so lost? What happened to her God? Where did she go? Where is she? She was with you Lord, always with you. You kept me safe till I was ready to face the world again. I'm back Lord, I have been delivered. Your lessons, your love, floods every cell, every part of who I am. You have my whole being Lord and you made me in your image. My heart is good. I am not the evil that I see in the world. Maybe, just maybe, I am the light. I just forgot that I shone. You shone through me and you bought me back. Thank you my precious Lord.

The writing and talking are my gifts, He did not forget to bless me. I just couldn’t see past the wall of abuse, fear, hate, judgement and pain. All you wanted me to do was to look at you for long enough to really see you. To see your reflection in me, to not be scared, to trust you but also to trust me was always your intention. How good you are to me Lord. A servant with nothing to offer you, you picked me too, you loved me too, you let me be a part of your beautiful creation and I forgot. Lord please give me the courage to drink in this love, these gifts, this life. It’s my time isn’t it Lord, the shackles are off. Along the beach my footprints appear in the sand next to yours. You carried me and then I learnt to walk.

I'm ready for people to read my words. I trust you Lord that they will help, they will heal, they will rebuild. My words will create a reminder of your life for your beautiful children. My pain can and will reach into another’s life and help them. My dream to help, restore and to remind people of who they really are is being met because you've allowed me to let go of my fears, my shame, my pain. How have you remembered me Lord? I owe you my life in all its joy, in all its twists and turns. Your voice now speaks so clearly to me, it’s like a heartbeat that always stays, pumping life and love through my broken mind. Hello God, our friendship has been the greatest opportunity to learn to trust you and I do fully. I love you God.

I am now ready to discover more. The Holy Spirit is something I never thought of as I didn't understand Him. I'm so afraid to say I think I hurt Him. I shut Him out. But He didn’t get angry, He didn’t leave me, He stayed whispering at first but now talking more and more, louder and louder, a sound that only the heart can make. It’s a heart sound, a murmur, a ray of continuous hope. He meets every need, every desire, every area where lack would ever hide. He is the fullness in a perfect summers day, that is his unending love for us, His children. If only we could fully grasp this. How can we, it’s too joyous for us to ever imagine. But best of all its not the impossible, it’s the truth. It’s ours. Wow.

Grab that first thought, that quick one, quicker than you, softer than you. It’s His. It’s time to rise and shine for the light of my rising has come. Lost and now found.

Learn now that whilst I can help people it doesn’t have to be at the expense of loving, respecting and honouring my man. Learn the lesson Rebecca. Honour thy husband. Take care of him, love him, accept him. Freedom.

So.......that was the writings of my soul. Its amazing the force at which it came out of me and the intensity of Gods love I felt whilst writing it. True emotions, raw and pure. Thanks for being a part of the journey.

Love Always.x

Boyfriend Abuse

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." Mark Twain

 

Last night, as so often happens when I am using, I ended up arguing with my boyfriend. The first argument happened as he walked in and could see evidence of me using and went its usual predictable manner in which he shouts about the lies I have told about never using again and how bad a person I am. This time I responded by ignoring him, turning up music and singing and dancing to myself in the kitchen. I was in no mood to ruin the buzz I was having. He then decided he would like some too but his way of using is different to mine in that he likes to have big lines quickly and I prefer smaller ones to pace it out. Here came the second argument of the evening, which meant he refused to use which made me relatively happy. Then, he changed his mind. This made me unhappy as greed is now one of my common emotions but I let him do it anyway to prevent further shouting sessions. I was having a fairly quiet buzz, just sitting down and reading and wasn’t really in the mood to talk to him. When he did want to talk to me I felt attacked as usual and wasn’t really in the mood to respond. I often feel the only time he is nice to me anymore is when drugs are involved and knowing it is my money that is catering for this habit only acts to aggravate me further.

As the grams began to disappear my anger started to rise again and although we were able to have a loving conversation about the rules for each other when I got accepted into rehab, this mood soon changed as the coke disappeared. I was not feeling particularly loving watching my buzz coming to an end. It’s so hard, it all is. The addiction doesn’t just destroy you, it destroys everything around you as well. I hated him last night, I accused him of being selfish, of being arrogant and most importantly to me at the time, for ruining my buzz. We went to bed back to back, silence hanging in the air like a thick poisonous atmosphere choking at any love that once had grown. He told me he would leave, I let him believe that is what would make me happy.

Its a new day today and I have calmed down. When I'm using I hate him and all the little niggles in our relationship seem monstrous and necessary for me to shout and abuse him with. I'm not saying they are unfounded, a lot of the problems are there and do exist but without the coke I wouldn’t address them in the horrible attacking woman way that I do when I can see my beloved addiction being shared and me having less of it. That’s what it boils down to really, I don’t want to share it, I want it all to myself. He acts as a barrier to this so I attack this man I love and beat him down so he can feel some degree of the pain I am feeling. Its cruel and unfair but it keeps happening, I can’t seem to control the verbal onslaught that comes out of my mouth. I look at him with eyes burning hate holes into his skin, but somewhere inside I always feel like I can’t believe what I am doing, how could I attack this man that I love, how could I be so cold, so evil. But the coke greediness always wins, I am always more hurt about the coke leaving than him.

When he came into see me earlier before disappearing out again I hugged and kissed him with as much love as I could muster. I accept we both have difficulties but it is not realistic dealing with them when I am on coke as it poisons my perspective and blocks me from seeing his point of view. I know this man loves me but I can’t help pushing him away like I am with everyone and everything. All I seem to want to do is to isolate myself from the world around me, even the man I have been in love with for two years. In the end, if I keep doing this, I will get my wish and end up alone and then what will I do? I can’t shout and abuse myself anymore than I already am. The pain of this disease is permeating every aspect of my life and its making it impossible to know which is the real me and which is the crazy selfish coke head. I need help.

I have already picked up my next amount of drugs, this time to get me through the week. The idea is that I buy in bulk and it lasts me till some more money can come through on Friday. I just have to hope my addictive nature means I can learn to call it a night before it all goes or I will be in a state for the rest of the week. It’s laughable really. I also know there is a risk my boyfriend will want to use with me and that will make me nervous and agitated as the coke will disappear faster and is likely to make me angry with him again. I guess we'll just have to see what the night has in store....

Love Always.x

Sunday Sniffing

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” Albert Einstein

I am currently sat on a Sunday afternoon sniffing my way through yet more bags of the addiction that is ruining my life. I can’t believe this is my life, that I am back here again.

I have spent the last three days, two of which not sleeping, using this drug to get me through my existence. Two nights ago after a day and a half on it with no sleep I hit a new rock bottom, a lower one, a lonelier more painful one. I thought that would be it, finally I had had enough but here I am again. I hate this addiction. I hate what it has robbed from my life, what it is ruining, its controlling relentless attack on who I am and who I could ever hope to be. The only light at the end of this tunnel is the chance that I get accepted into a rehab facility but that could take weeks before this saviour comes along. Weeks consist of days and in those days so much more damage can be done. You can never get enough of this, there is no last time, no cut off point. It’s just round and round in vicious circles over and over again.

While catching up on the missed sleep I had yesterday I lay watching a film about dancing and cried as I remembered the little girl who used to love this hobby. The little girl who had dreams about a happy future, who had ambitions and hopes. I feel like I’ve suffocated her, killed her, locked her so far away she wouldn’t know how to be found even if she wanted to. What happened to those dreams, to those hopes, to that future? I’m 27 years old and can’t go a day without using cocaine. Why is this my life, how did this happen and more importantly when does it stop?

Addiction is such a miserable lonely existence. You hate who you have become, you hate what you do but you can’t stop yourself from doing it. Day after day you cry about the life you have lost but know the only way to deal with the pain is to do more to numb yourself from the excruciating horror of your current reality. Slowly but surely it isolates you from every aspect of normal living. Maintenance of your home, your health, your body become of no priority as your only focus remains on trying to find the cash to get more. To give you a scale of what my addiction is like, in the past month I have spent over £2000 on this destroyer of life. £2000! I could have had a luxury holiday, a supreme shopping trip, dined in the best restaurants, lived. Its not even worth thinking about, it hurts too much, it all does. When does it end, how do I stop it?

I cant find any more words to say, I just needed to get things off my chest. Just know that for the rest of the evening me and the enemy are going to be doing our usual dance of pain and possession.........oh Lord please help me.

Love Always.x